Grade: D
Year: 2006
Director: Uwe Boll
Writer: Guinevere Turner
Genre: Horror
Rated: R


Perhaps it's unfair to label Uwe Boll the worst director working today; the Ed Wood of our generation. After all, videogame-to-film movies almost never turn out enjoyable regardless of who's behind the camera, and that's all of which Boll has been put in charge.

House of the Dead was embarrassingly bad, but at least Alone in the Dark cast Tara Reid as a scientist, providing for some excellent entertainment if only because the film was a complete mess and Reid had to pretend to be smart. Down a few shots of your favorite liquor, watch Ms. Reid mispronounce 'Newfoundland' and run around in glasses and a lab coat, and you'll have a gas.

BloodRayne lacks Tara Reid, so to compensate it treats us to a naked Kristanna Loken...I'd rather watch the former. It's safe to say, dear reader, that when Kristanna Loken's breasts don't save a film, nothing will.

The movie follows Rayne (Loken), a half human/half vampire dhampir through 18th century Transylvania on a quest to avenge her mother who was raped and murdered (though the flashback forgets about the rape part) by her vampire father Kagan. Somehow Boll came into possession of incriminating photos of Academy Award-winning actor Ben Kingsley and forced him to play the lead villain.

Rayne is joined by Vladimir (Michael Madsen) and Katarin (Michelle Rodriguez), two non-vampires if I recall correctly, and goes from town to town killing vampires and sucking their blood. We've seen this formula many times before. Blade, for instance, does it better.

Each scene that takes place in a different location is separated by a repetitive horse riding montage through the rolling countryside, and it's impressive scenery that alone would be more entertaining as a geography special of Romania by The Learning Channel than a part of this movie.

BloodRayne earns its R-rating with ample amounts of blood and sword fighting, but these scenes are horribly edited probably because properly showing the characters in battle would require convincing choreography. For the filmmakers it was just easier to use trick photography and synthetic sound effects.

The showdown between Rayne and Kagan takes place in his lair where I'm guessing a poor servant had the tedious task of lighting and maintaining the thousands of candles that decorate the place. And all of the candles look new and fresh, with not a hint of melted wax showing, and not a single wick without a flame. What, was there something more important I should have been paying attention to?

Before the final fight Rayne and Kagan exchange uninspiring lines such as "I'd rather rot in your cell than sit at your table" and "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." And then they fight, and soon are joined by Vladimir - who was jailed only because he wouldn't have been able to escape captivity and save Rayne had he been killed like Kagan's countless number of victims before him.

And that's all there is to it my friends. I've never played the game before but I certainly don't want to now. The same goes for Boll's previous efforts save for House of the Dead which worked well without a movie.

Believe it or not Boll has four more videogame adaptations in the works. Surely he must know he's not making any fans but if the studios are happy with how his low-budget affairs do in limited release then the guy will continue finding work. The thing is I'd like to enjoy one of his movies if I'm going to see them all.

If he changes his strategy he can make bad films that are good because they're so bad it makes them good. Instead they're just bad and seriously bad. Or if all else fails Mr. Boll -- I mean Dr. Boll -- find a decent screenplay before sullying your resume and reputation any further.

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