"Blade" is a cult classic.
"Blade II" found new fans four years later.
"Trinity" is best forgotten.
The entire film is a not a film but a series of sloppily edited action sequences. Take for
instance the scene that introduces us to Abigail, the daughter of Blade's (Wesley Snipes)
guardian, Abraham Whistler (Kris Kristofferson), played by super-hottie Jessica Biel in a
role suited strictly for sex appeal but disguised as Women Power. She's dressed as a tired,
elderly frail woman slowly walking down a dark staircase leading to the subway tracks,
carrying a bag of groceries and a blanketed baby. A couple of punk vampires (yes, vamps
do exist in angst form) see her as an easy target and jump her after she worriedly looks in
all directions afraid for her and her baby's safety.
The vampires attack, but whadda you know, Abigail isn't the old hag these punks
expected her to be. She hurls her baby which turns out to be nothing more than a
gas-emitting toy, sheds the rags revealing a tightly-fit sexy battle suit, and chops-and-kicks
her way into the skulls of her foes. As it turns out, this isn't the ideal chick to steal a loaf
of bread from.
So does Abigail, who took on the job of vampire-slaying when she became "of age," just
wander the streets at night with a fake baby doll looking for fights? I guess I would too if
I had one of those laser bows she wields that's "half as hot as the sun." But her best
feature isn't the weapons, sexy outfits or sassy attitude. It's the shower. Wait until you
get a look at this thing. It's like the size of my house and for just one person. Talk about
wasted space...and opportunity for something a little more interesting to watch than this
Abigail -- when she's not taking showers in enormous bathrooms or pretending to be the
poor mother of an infant child -- belongs to a group called the Night Stalkers. They're
like your old high school Audio/Visual club; just as dorky but with much better
technology. Hell, she even listens to her Ipod while slaying vampires; songs that were
downloaded just minutes before during the car ride to whatever fire-and-steam factory
that the particular fight to place in.
Next to Abigail in the Night Stalkers command-chain is Hannibal (Ryan Reynolds), the
comic-relief character who's always trying to get Blade to smile. Everything that comes
out of his mouth is a joke, and not one word of it is funny. Not a single quip is worth the
guy's existence. And even worse, he's one of those characters you know will live past the
midway point if not for the entire duration. No wonder Blade always looks pissed. He's
got to be on a team with this goofball.
The Night Stalkers fill Blade in on the latest vampire plot. As it turns out they are looking
for the original Dracula, yes Bram Stoker's Dracula, because his DNA is pure and they
need pure DNA to spread the vampire infection. The reason it's so important is because
Dracula's DNA allows him to daywalk, unlike his descendants, who must hide from
(occasionally) the light. I thought this issue was covered in previous "Blade" films, but it's
so apparent that there were no more ideas left in this bag that one could only expect the
plot to again be about vampires that are immune to the sun. Interestingly enough, Dracula
was discovered by the vampires in Iraq. I wonder if he had any connections to al-Qaeda,
but perhaps that's an idea for another movie.
While out on a mission, the majority of Night Stalkers get interrupted in a rather brutal
way when Dracula (Dominic Purcell) comes looking for Blade at the main headquarters.
After witnessing the carnage that unfolds, all I can say is that it was a bad idea to appoint
that one blind chick as head of security.
Like Blade with the Night Stalkers, Dracula is in an alliance with the vampires. They are
led by Danica who played by Parker Posey in what I believe is the worst casting decision
of the year. Posey, as you may recall, was that sweet girl in all of those Christopher Guest
movies. Now she's unconvincingly leading a bunch of vampires that seem to be getting
weaker and weaker with each new sequel.
I guess you can't expect much from regular vampires anymore when the big dog himself is
an un-intimidating shape-shifter who snarls detachable mandibles. They're big mandibles,
to be sure, but that's compared to the itty-bitty mandibles displayed by the vampire
Pomeranian (yes, vamps come in dog form).
As you can probably guess, the climax involves a battle inside yet another fire-and-steam
factory with swords a swinging and guns a blazing. I was hoping that the last fight would
take place on the penthouse floor inside the vampire headquarters, which is a tall and
ominous skyscraper that the human world never suspects to be a house of evil.
I don't know how writer David Goyer expected audiences to react to this installment.
That he decided to direct Part 3 himself leads me to believe he couldn't trust one of the
previous directors to muscle out something good with this wreck of a film. It was a kind
gesture because "Blade: Trinity" is not a title you want on your IMDB resume.
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